It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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