I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
