Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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