I haven't been this sober since birth.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
