Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
