I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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