You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
