do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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