I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
