Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
