sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
