i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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