That's when you crack a 10am beer
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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