last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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