whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
