you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
