Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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