How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
