I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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