I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
