this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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