You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
