Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
