you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
