I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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