We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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