i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
