ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
