Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
