Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
