I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
