He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
