My boss' voice literally gives me gas
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
