My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
