My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When are your genitals available?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
