Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
