I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
