Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
