just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
