tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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