I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
