Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
