I'm going to jail i love you
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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