textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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