Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
