So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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