if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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