Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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