her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
