I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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