the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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