So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
